i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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