she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I AM VODKA MAN
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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