I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
