The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
