i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
