i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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