they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
