Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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