Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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