no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
