feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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