So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
