I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
