In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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