You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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