Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
