you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
