how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
