I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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