I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
