just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
