i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
