I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
