The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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