dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
