I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
