he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
