you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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