I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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