dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
