Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
