I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
