i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
