Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
