i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
