Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
