Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
