I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
