recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
