I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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