New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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