i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my phone needs a breathalizer
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
