real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
