just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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