I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
