you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
