The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
