it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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