walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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