Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
