I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
