I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
