The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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